Saturday, April 3, 2010

So, I lusted For a Woman. I Craved For This Sexy Russian Witch. Aren't Men Losers?

And so, she appeared… In her little tiny jeans on a big curvy butt, messed up hair, tasteless girl makeup, sexy Russian accent. I wish you saw her pics

Men are losers.

All she needed is to smile to me, just to ask to give her a ride, just to touch my hand “by accident”. I am a fool. How much of a fool I am!

Natashas are everywhere. They will follow till the end of the universe to find you, to find fools like us, to put us in the cage of our own desires, cravings. They think all we want is sex, so they use us back.

They will eat you alive, chew your heart and spit it out without you noticing. And I am just sitting there like a pussy, like a wimp.

They spend your money, comfort you, then dress up and leave in disgust. Haha. How much of fools we are.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. But last night she broke in my dream as she used to break into my apartment any time she needed cash. She would get all she needed, every time, without a fail.

And I would be sitting later on, wondering what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with my life. What a loser, what an ass I am. And life is a fucked game, if you ask me.

Can depression make us so blind that we are willing to let anything that moves and has legs to comfort us?

Natasha… My horror. My delight.

That’s been a while since I’ve thought of her.

These days I take care of myself. I pay only for things that make me stronger, not weaker. I don’t gamble, don’t smoke, don’t buy women.

These days I pay for knowledge, for understanding, for learning life and myself - deep inside – avoiding surfaces lately… they lie.

There is no truth in the top layers of reality. You have to dive deeper. You have to taste unknown. Touch it, observe it. Patiently.

It’s a different kind of pleasure. It’s joy. Pure, clean…

I feel restless tonight. It’s time to call to my avatar coach. Yes, I know, it’s funny. A little bit of a fantasy… a little bit of wisdom... it’s a good time to get a fix.