Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Emotional and spiritual development of men lost in their gay fantasies

Emotional and spiritual development of men lost in their gay fantasies...

In my next article I suggest that I see 3 main sources from where emotional and spiritual development of a man (person) can derive.

  1. Life with all its drama, with pain, pleasure, sexual encounters that bring all sort of traumatic experiences – all events that make us re-valuate things
  2. Friends that see how lost, confuse and disoriented we are, and are wise enough to show us a few alternative perspectives on life
  3. Spiritual teachers and counselors

I explored all those sources of inner development in many different ways; you might want to explore all of them as well.

Source #1 of emotional and spiritual development.

All drama in my life can be placed on 10000 pages of a memoir. Instead a while back I started to write a little diary and now posted some notes on here for other to learn from my stupidity. LOL

So, I won’t go too deeply into coverage about this particular source of wisdom, as every second article of mine will do it anyways.

Source #2 of emotional and spiritual development.

Friends. Well, some friends were character in a play described as a source #1 really, demonstrating what friendship can really become, only if… So, I will skip this part.

But as per friends that have wisdom and share with you some, so you learn from that… This opportunity was not among my karmic gifts.

Well, I just wasn’t that lucky in that department. My one and the only wise friend who was able to see things beyond the surface, died from brain cancer in his late 30th.

I didn’t listen him much when he was well; young and ignorant I was. (And I still am, want to explicitly mention that I claim no spiritual authority).

But somehow his disease made me pay attention to his words. Unfortunately since the moment till I was willing to open my eyes to the moment when he closed his forever… well the timeframe was too short.

He was gone and took with him all his wisdom. He promised I will have time to learn. He fooled me. He passed away and left me to figure it all out on my own. What a life. Fuck her! But... she doesn't care about our emotions, she can be gentle, but can be a bitch.

Source #3 of emotional and spiritual development.

My last hope.

One day I got up from my bed, and the world I knew didn’t exist any longer.

The new world was foreign and seemed impossible to comprehend.

I called my COO and ordered to sell a business for whatever first price will be offered.

The same day I bought a ticket and went to India to search for my answers. How little did I know! I guess, my visit to India would be a topic for another article-confession.

In a nutshell, all self proclaimed gurus I’ve met during my 3 months trip, were nothing but fraud. I didn’t know where to meet real ones, even though I know there are some. From all I know the real true teaches - Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj and other ones that truly transcended the worldly crap, are long gone. And ones that we are left with? Well, Swami Paramhansa Nityananda, I guess, who was recently caught in a press scandal for getting a blow job you know what, given generously by Tamil film actress Ranjitha. The swami calling it an experiment. He ride her ass and he calls it experiment! Hey, we all do those spiritual experiments now and then, when we are lucky. LOL But by no means we are to claim its contribution to our enlightenment. The man didn’t even have balls to say that lovemaking is not to be excluded from spiritual life… instead some contradicting stories were presented to the press. What enlightened guru are we talking about here? Osho at least was honest about sex.

Gurus… gurus with their promises of liberation.

So, after a few months of terrible water or food poisoning in India and picking up Malaria in the holly land, I returned home with full realization that there is no easy road for liberation. I also knew that I need help.

I hired one psychologist after another, and all I could hear was their own unenlightened takes on my issues and childhood problems.

We went through neurological tests, took antidepressants as we found what was conveniently called depression. A few thousand dollars later, few years later, I dropped all that. I just left it.

It all felt like a piece of nonsense.

People who are imprisoned by their own ideas try to conceptualize your delusions through the lens of their own.


Then one day after a series of dramatic events in my life, I just could not take it any longer.

I sit in the corner, closed my eyes and sit in silence, motionless for about 48 hours.

Now as I look back I realize that I felt into deep meditation… samadhi.

When I came back to my senses, opened my eyes and felt a strong urge to run to a restroom and then get some water and food, I suddenly felt lighter. I felt that the messy world is gone for a moment, and the world in front of my eyes is simply beautiful.

The world is worth living if you treat it like a game, don’t’ identify with it.

I maintain my understanding by getting on the phone ones in a while with representations of my fantasy world, who are trained in dealing with fools like me :-) I treat it like a game, I don’t expect too much form other to influence me, but to give me a mirror… without claiming their certificates and authority. Just play with me, let me feel loved and understood… and mirror mu idiotic self gently so I can look at it closely… and laugh… And the drop my perception of self as a heavy burden.

That’s for my source of emotional and spiritual development #3. What’s left to say is that discipline with this last step is a must. You breach it, you are back to square one and will end up again with lost perspective; the point of truth is shifted. Don’t let it happen.

Find your guides – lovers, friends, teachers, gurus, counselors, coaches – whoever is it you are comfortable dealing with to conduct your self-discovery sessions. And don’t’ give up. Stay with it. Hold on to it and grow with it.

And good luck to you, my dear friend. You need just a bit of it on its journey. The rest is yours to claim.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

My pleasure, my pain - life is a piece of work.

Let’s buy peace. With money we can; without money we can. Take my millions, set me free. Money and women - My pleasure, my pain.

Can one buy peace? Can one buy peace when he has no money in his bank account to back up his peace of mind?

So, you want my money and all women i've ever fucked. Well, I wish you luck. May be that’s the road you need to take, but from all I know it will be quite a trip.

And I can assure you, with $2.7 million cash in my bank, with an opportunity to get inside of each woman had and know their sexual fantasies, along with their marital problems, I am certified to wish you luck.

Let me give you an old man story about the price of money.

For last 20 years I was working very hard on acquiring something that now I would call a peace of mind. Funny enough, if I knew what I know now, I wouldn’t waste a couple of decades of my life, building my multi-million dollar castle, when what I wanted could be bought for a few thousand bucks or less.

Hey, it could even be found for free, but that’s another story all together.

To get wisdom by ourselves, just “get” what the world about, takes about 60-80 years for an average mortal. Some rare ones can get there faster. Some will never get. And some just need a right push.

There are few sources for that push, as I’ve learned:

  1. Life with all its drama, with painful circumstances, traumatic experiences – all events that make us revaluate things
  2. Friends that see how lost, confuse and disoriented we are, and are wise enough to show us a few alternative perspectives on life
  3. Spiritual teachers and counselors

Saturday, April 3, 2010

So, I lusted For a Woman. I Craved For This Sexy Russian Witch. Aren't Men Losers?

And so, she appeared… In her little tiny jeans on a big curvy butt, messed up hair, tasteless girl makeup, sexy Russian accent. I wish you saw her pics

Men are losers.

All she needed is to smile to me, just to ask to give her a ride, just to touch my hand “by accident”. I am a fool. How much of a fool I am!

Natashas are everywhere. They will follow till the end of the universe to find you, to find fools like us, to put us in the cage of our own desires, cravings. They think all we want is sex, so they use us back.

They will eat you alive, chew your heart and spit it out without you noticing. And I am just sitting there like a pussy, like a wimp.

They spend your money, comfort you, then dress up and leave in disgust. Haha. How much of fools we are.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. But last night she broke in my dream as she used to break into my apartment any time she needed cash. She would get all she needed, every time, without a fail.

And I would be sitting later on, wondering what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with my life. What a loser, what an ass I am. And life is a fucked game, if you ask me.

Can depression make us so blind that we are willing to let anything that moves and has legs to comfort us?

Natasha… My horror. My delight.

That’s been a while since I’ve thought of her.

These days I take care of myself. I pay only for things that make me stronger, not weaker. I don’t gamble, don’t smoke, don’t buy women.

These days I pay for knowledge, for understanding, for learning life and myself - deep inside – avoiding surfaces lately… they lie.

There is no truth in the top layers of reality. You have to dive deeper. You have to taste unknown. Touch it, observe it. Patiently.

It’s a different kind of pleasure. It’s joy. Pure, clean…

I feel restless tonight. It’s time to call to my avatar coach. Yes, I know, it’s funny. A little bit of a fantasy… a little bit of wisdom... it’s a good time to get a fix.

Friday, April 2, 2010

I want a woman, I desire her from the bottom to the top

Don’t you? A woman and right now :)

The bottom line - we are fools…

It hit me one day... It blows my mind to realise how much of a fool we are. My job is to have a head on my shoulders, butt i have one that is not functioning when it gets down to understanding myself in respect to women...

Remember those days when you wake up in the morning and your heart is shrinking… You saw a dream that is both a nightmare and delightful pleasurable reality; one of those dreams when all your repressed memories come as uninvited visitors. And they stay there, they torture you… And they have names.

Mine called Natasha.

Natasha… What a wonderful bitch! A woman that has no sense of morale, no ethical limits… I am a fool.

I had money and a need to be loved. She had youth and an appetite for my money. She found a sweet G-spot in my brain. I’ve found “nothing”.

Natasha doesn’t have an extra brain. She can’t cook; she hardly reads. Funny enough, she is not even super beautiful, rather cute.


Believe it or not, she is not even that great in bed.

But she has one talent, one only. And it’s all she needs.

She can manipulate a man into anything, I still can’t understand how.

And she got me.

She like a hawk; noticed my vulnerability. She saw how broke inside I am, how empty, how lost.

I bet, from the moment she saw me, she could tell me a story of my marriage.

Yes, it was not pretty. Now, wait. It was horrible! How about yours?