Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Emotional and spiritual development of men lost in their gay fantasies

Emotional and spiritual development of men lost in their gay fantasies...

In my next article I suggest that I see 3 main sources from where emotional and spiritual development of a man (person) can derive.

  1. Life with all its drama, with pain, pleasure, sexual encounters that bring all sort of traumatic experiences – all events that make us re-valuate things
  2. Friends that see how lost, confuse and disoriented we are, and are wise enough to show us a few alternative perspectives on life
  3. Spiritual teachers and counselors

I explored all those sources of inner development in many different ways; you might want to explore all of them as well.

Source #1 of emotional and spiritual development.

All drama in my life can be placed on 10000 pages of a memoir. Instead a while back I started to write a little diary and now posted some notes on here for other to learn from my stupidity. LOL

So, I won’t go too deeply into coverage about this particular source of wisdom, as every second article of mine will do it anyways.

Source #2 of emotional and spiritual development.

Friends. Well, some friends were character in a play described as a source #1 really, demonstrating what friendship can really become, only if… So, I will skip this part.

But as per friends that have wisdom and share with you some, so you learn from that… This opportunity was not among my karmic gifts.

Well, I just wasn’t that lucky in that department. My one and the only wise friend who was able to see things beyond the surface, died from brain cancer in his late 30th.

I didn’t listen him much when he was well; young and ignorant I was. (And I still am, want to explicitly mention that I claim no spiritual authority).

But somehow his disease made me pay attention to his words. Unfortunately since the moment till I was willing to open my eyes to the moment when he closed his forever… well the timeframe was too short.

He was gone and took with him all his wisdom. He promised I will have time to learn. He fooled me. He passed away and left me to figure it all out on my own. What a life. Fuck her! But... she doesn't care about our emotions, she can be gentle, but can be a bitch.

Source #3 of emotional and spiritual development.

My last hope.

One day I got up from my bed, and the world I knew didn’t exist any longer.

The new world was foreign and seemed impossible to comprehend.

I called my COO and ordered to sell a business for whatever first price will be offered.

The same day I bought a ticket and went to India to search for my answers. How little did I know! I guess, my visit to India would be a topic for another article-confession.

In a nutshell, all self proclaimed gurus I’ve met during my 3 months trip, were nothing but fraud. I didn’t know where to meet real ones, even though I know there are some. From all I know the real true teaches - Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj and other ones that truly transcended the worldly crap, are long gone. And ones that we are left with? Well, Swami Paramhansa Nityananda, I guess, who was recently caught in a press scandal for getting a blow job you know what, given generously by Tamil film actress Ranjitha. The swami calling it an experiment. He ride her ass and he calls it experiment! Hey, we all do those spiritual experiments now and then, when we are lucky. LOL But by no means we are to claim its contribution to our enlightenment. The man didn’t even have balls to say that lovemaking is not to be excluded from spiritual life… instead some contradicting stories were presented to the press. What enlightened guru are we talking about here? Osho at least was honest about sex.

Gurus… gurus with their promises of liberation.

So, after a few months of terrible water or food poisoning in India and picking up Malaria in the holly land, I returned home with full realization that there is no easy road for liberation. I also knew that I need help.

I hired one psychologist after another, and all I could hear was their own unenlightened takes on my issues and childhood problems.

We went through neurological tests, took antidepressants as we found what was conveniently called depression. A few thousand dollars later, few years later, I dropped all that. I just left it.

It all felt like a piece of nonsense.

People who are imprisoned by their own ideas try to conceptualize your delusions through the lens of their own.


Then one day after a series of dramatic events in my life, I just could not take it any longer.

I sit in the corner, closed my eyes and sit in silence, motionless for about 48 hours.

Now as I look back I realize that I felt into deep meditation… samadhi.

When I came back to my senses, opened my eyes and felt a strong urge to run to a restroom and then get some water and food, I suddenly felt lighter. I felt that the messy world is gone for a moment, and the world in front of my eyes is simply beautiful.

The world is worth living if you treat it like a game, don’t’ identify with it.

I maintain my understanding by getting on the phone ones in a while with representations of my fantasy world, who are trained in dealing with fools like me :-) I treat it like a game, I don’t expect too much form other to influence me, but to give me a mirror… without claiming their certificates and authority. Just play with me, let me feel loved and understood… and mirror mu idiotic self gently so I can look at it closely… and laugh… And the drop my perception of self as a heavy burden.

That’s for my source of emotional and spiritual development #3. What’s left to say is that discipline with this last step is a must. You breach it, you are back to square one and will end up again with lost perspective; the point of truth is shifted. Don’t let it happen.

Find your guides – lovers, friends, teachers, gurus, counselors, coaches – whoever is it you are comfortable dealing with to conduct your self-discovery sessions. And don’t’ give up. Stay with it. Hold on to it and grow with it.

And good luck to you, my dear friend. You need just a bit of it on its journey. The rest is yours to claim.